Apologies again..
/"His rooms were covered with pictures of sheep."
"You mean he had flocked wallpaper?"
Sorry Again....
/I sold one of our Nissan cars last week. I was very pleased to be able to say to the chap at WeBuyAnyCar that I was paying "In used Notes".
No reaction. Oh well.
Sorry about this...
/There's a big lump of wood in the back of my chair.
I think it's the lumber support.
Caution Horses
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So, we're driving back down the motorway on Sunday and we pass a huge van with the above message on the back.
For a moment I had this vision of a the van containing a pair of specially trained equines who turn up when you do something stupid and say things like "Just this once, we'll let you off. But if you'd better not do it again".
After some discussion we decided that it could also be an instruction to pull into the next field and tell the occupants not to eat grass like that, or whatever.
Sorry about this
/
What kind of soup does God like best?
Soup of the deity.
Driven to distraction
/
Actually, in Which this month they have a feature on the way that modifications that you make to your car can add to your insurance premium. Adding a spoiler can cost you over a hundred pounds a year extra. Blacking out the rear windows adds around ninety four pounds to the cost of a policy. And blacking out the windscreen costs even more......
Scarf Humour
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Number one wife is knitting me a scarf. Today she turned to me and asked "How long do you want it?"
"Oh", I said. "I'd like to keep it".
Star Wars Movie Exclusive
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I've been given special access to the script for the up and coming Star Wars movie.
I can therefore exclusively reveal that the first two words that are spoken in the movie "Star Wars - The Force Awakens" are "Good Morning".
Invigilation Inspiration
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I always think that when I'm invigilating exams my subconscious will be able to work on difficult programming problems and whatnot and at the end I'll have something wonderful and useful.
Unfortunately all I've manged to come up with today is a product idea for a new food made up of raw meat and fish. It's a Taramasalata Steak Tartare Kickstarter.
Sorry About This
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I've just had an idea for a game where players ring each other up and tell them not to wash any more. The working title is "Call of Dirty".
The Blank Page
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For quite a while now I've been fastidious about making a blog post every today.
Today I thought I'd leave a post empty and see what happens.
Oh, wait a minute....
Unbearably Whitty
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At least you get a nice picture to look at...
I tweeted this joke last weekend from Whitby, but nobody seemed to notice or care. So I thought I'd blog it, just in case anybody missed it....
What do you call a caveman who can't walk in a straight line?
A meanderthal
Latest Camera Test
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My new camera has a “sweep panorama” mode. I thought I’d try it today, and it came up with this.
Fun with Dancing on Ice
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I was watching “Dancing On Ice” tonight (or at least it was on in the kitchen when we were having tea). I had a great idea. They could give the program a whole new feel by adding a different prefix to the last word each week:
- “Dancing on Rice” – dancing and cooking. Contestants slide around on a bed of rice while preparing a nice chilli con carne to go with it.
- “Dancing on Mice” – not real mice, of course, but computer ones. Contestants have computer mice fitted to their feet and must navigate a Word document and correct spelling errors whilst executing a triple axle (whatever that is).
- “Dancing on Price” – the contestants must find the cheapest ice rink in the country and then dance there using skates they’ve made themselves from trainers and old breadknives held together with second hand gaffer tape.
- “Dancing on Lice” – ugh. An “I’m a Celebrity” jungle feel where they must dance on horrible insects without the aid of hairnets. Extra marks for those moves where they spin round with their head inches above the floor.
Remember, you heard it here first.
April Fools Day–an apology
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Last year I did an April Fools joke on the blog that worked rather well. This year I’ve come to the conclusion that recent events have made it completely impossible to come up with anything remotely stupid enough to be believable.
Word of the day: Snodchortle
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The word ‘snodchortle’ doesn’t actually exist. In fact I’ve no idea why I mentioned it really. I just invented it to see how long it is before it turns up in Google search results with a link at the top which says “Buy snodchortle on ebay now.”
Update on 2012-03-27 07:38 by Rob
snodchortle is now on Google, but hasn't made it onto Bing yet....
Sorry about this
/
Update on 2012-03-15 19:42 by Rob
Years ago I did this blog post along the lines of "If you aren't finding shelfish particularly relaxing you may have bought the 'Little Book of Clam' by mistake." Every since then I've been tickled by the way you can swap two letters round and get a lovely, absurd, result. Then, in the Programming 2 Lecture today one of the students had a "Keep Calm and Carry On" T-Shirt, and I knew how I was going to spend my lunch hour......
A Grate Day for Wit
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Today I had three great ideas for Tweets in quick succession. I’m so pleased with them that I’m going to put them in the blog so that they don’t get lost. And no, I’m not sorry.
“Argos are having an "up to half price sale". Working out what this means is really hurting my head.”
“I was going to buy an e-reader but I think I'll wait until you can get ones that do the whole alphabet.”
“I'm going to make a stage out of empty, lid-less, ketchup bottles. It will be an Open Sauce Platform...”
..and here’s a bonus new one
“I’ve written a program that plots the location of every seat I’ve ever used. I call it my Sat Nav”
Car Wash Therapy Fail
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Normally when I spend time washing the cars I come up with answers to questions and solutions to problems and stuff. Today all I thought of was:
Nobody ever plays that record from The Ronettes about the man that puts the cables away after a gig. It was called "The Packer of the Leads"
This made a good tweet (at least I thought so), but is absolutely no use for anything else.
Film Ideas
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I’ve been working on some film ideas:
The year is 2054. Brunettes have taken power. Anyone daring to be different is ruthlessly hunted down by the state. This is the story of a band of freedom fighters who, armed only with hair colouring and bleach, take a stand against oppression. Working title: “Illegally Blonde”
In a world where outrageous has become the normal, this film tells the story of one man’s fight for the right to be boring. Working title: “Legally Bland”.
This hard hitting documentary tells the story of the only officially licenced, Ian Fleming approved 007 impersonator. Working title: “Legally Bond”.
